Caught With Your Pants Down
by Schyzotypal X
Summary: Hazing!Verse 12: There's a surprise attack at a hot springs and the team, deprived of their usual weapons, must learn to improvise. -MacGyvengers!, Crack!-


**Caught With Your Pants Down**

They are at a hot springs in Japan, living it up after successfully preventing another giant mutant disaster. It is nice and sweaty and relaxing like nobody's business and Steve can spot only two real problems in this entire setup.

1. The no-nonsense proprieter of the hotsprings had demanded that they leave they're weapons in their rooms before coming down to use the springs. "For liability issues, Mr. Stark." She had said, not budging an inch even though Tony had rented out the entire place.

2. They are all naked again and Steve hates being naked around the others. This is partially because Tony is Tony and therefore needs to make half of everything he says and innuendo, and partially because even Steve can't help but feel a bit inadequate when sitting next to Thor.

"Now this is what I call a good way to unwind." Natasha purrs, sinking into the water next to Clint. She's as naked as the rest of them so Steve kindly averts his eyes and scowls at Tony as he wolf whistles. "Who would you rather have kick your ass for that Stark? Me? Or your wife?" Tony shudders and Natasha smirks.

They are just getting into the groove of things, thanks in part to the liberal amounts of sake that Tony keeps pouring for everyone, when the attack begins.

Steve is not sure why some sort of extremist militant group is trying to attack them. He's not sure why they would count on Tony choosing _this_ particular remote hotsprings out of the three other places he'd rented out in preparation for their mission to Japan. What Steve is sure of though, is that he hates getting bathtime interrupted, especially by gunfire.

"Come out Earth's _mightiest_ heroes!" A heavily accented voice calls as machine gun fire peppers the bamboo screen. "Or are you really just a bunch of cowards?"

Thor is actually about to respond when Loki flicks him in the adams apple. He shuts his mouth immediately, a hand rubbing his throat as he glares at his younger brother, who shrugs. Both Clint and Natasha have sunk below the water. Steve can just barely make out the dark shapes of them as they move smoothly towards the far end of the pool, near the changing rooms.

"Do not worry heroes," the man nearly spits the word, "we have taken the liberty of confiscating your weapons."

Thor raises and eyebrow at this and Steve hears Tony sigh next to him. "Shitty."

Before Steve can respond three men kick down the sliding door. Clint and Natasha take them in less than a second. They dive back beneath the water just as another wave of gunfire hits the screen, taking the bodies with them.

Natasha surfaces next to Steve, snarling. "Oh hell."

"What?" He whispers back.

"They're one of those groups, the stupid nostalgic kind that can't figure out what time period they're in."

"What?"

Natasha holds up a katana. "None of their foot soldiers have guns! Just these!"

"And these." Clint tosses her a belt of throwing knives that she quickly straps around her naked waist. Natasha eyes the hole riddled screen and sighs. "I guess we're going to have to get...creative."

"I don't know what you're complaining about." Clint says brightly, pulling a six foot long olden-style bow from the floating body of another. "This is awesome."

Natasha rolls her eyes at him. "_Boys_."

"Laaame." Clint groans quietly, looking into the mans quiver. "He's got like five arrows."

"Clint I swear if you don't shut up I will-" She is cut off by yet another spattering of gunfire that rips huge chunks out of the screen and rains bamboo into the bath. "Nevermind, time to move out everybody."

No one argues.

* * *

"Well this is a bit awkward isn't it?" Tony says, tying his slipping towel around his waist as he slides in behind the counter next to Steve. "Naked and fighting a terrorist attack with nothing but crappy sandals and ninja stuff."

"Very articulate Stark." Loki comments dryly.

Clint and Natasha just roll their eyes. "We've seen worse. Budapest." They intone in unison.

"Budapest, Budapest. It's always 'we've seen worse in Budapest'! Is there something that went down there that I should know about?"

"Nothing that we'd want you to know about Stark."

"Now I'm _really_ curious."There's the sound of a machine gun hitting drywall and everyone ducks. "Hey Prince of Darkness, can't you do something about the guns? You know? With your magic."

Loki scowls. "Unfortunately Stark I used up most of my magic supply when battling those three giant monstrosities in the ocean. You remember don't you? The ones you left me to fight _alone_?"

"Don't get your knickers in a bunch there Lokman! I had other things to do."

Thor nods. "I too cannot fight as fiercely on this occasion. Mjolner is too far for me to call to my aid. But do not despair, I am still a formidable foe for our enemies, especially ones armed with such paltry weapons as these." He motions towards Natasha's knife belt and Clint's gigantic bow.

"Well isn't that just _convenient_." Tony complains and there is another hail of bullets.

"Alright." Steve says peaking around to look at the line of angry looking soldiers down the hall. "I think we should split up and start making ourselves useful. Right now all we're doing is making it very easy for them to shoot at us."

"I call Bruce!" Tony says, wrapping a hand around the arm of the other. "We're both men of science, and by men of science I mean I'm a man of science who dies when hit by bullets and he's a man of science who can turn into a bulletproof tank monster."

Bruce puts a hand to his chest. "Oh Tony." He says, voice dripping sarcasm. "If you wanted to be buddies you could have just asked."

"Asking is for the unassertive Brucey, I'm a go getter."

"Yeah sure." Bruce turns to Steve. "I'm gonna try to head down the mountain with Man of Steal here, they've probably got a big group waiting farther back and the Other Guy would just bring the entire house down if he tried to fight here."

"Nicknames Bruce? Really? I'm beginning to rub off on you."

Steve nods. "Sounds good to me. Go, try not to let Tony get killed."

Bruce shrugs. "I'll try. Come on Tony, let's go...kick some ass." The last part is entirely to humor Tony and Tony knows it.

"You betcha Bruce ol' buddy ol' pal! Say, can we stop by the kitchen and a few of the bathrooms and broom closets before we head out? I have a few ideas for some..."His voice fades as they disappear down the hall.

Steve turns to Natasha and Clint. "Do you two have any plans?"

Clint slings the bow over his shoulder, and straps the quiver around his waist. "I'm gonna go find myself more arrows, you Tash'?"

Natasha shrugs. "I'm just gonna go kill people now." She raises an eyebrow at Steve. "Is that alright?"

Steve shrugs. "Today's not exactly a protocol day so I can't tell you different."

She snorts. "When is it ever a protocol day Steve? See you guys later." And just like that she is gone, a phantom of pale skin and red hair snaking through the rafters and leaving a trail dead men below her. "You're welcome." She calls down the now empty hallway, swinging herself out of the far window and up onto the roof.

"It baffles me that you do not wed Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton." Thor says, staring after her.

"We're already married."

"WHAT?"

The archer grins and waves at them. "That's a story for another day." He exits through the back door, arrow already knocked.

Steve turns to Loki and Thor and grins. "Well I guess that leaves us defending home base doesn't it. What can you guys do without Mjolner and magic?"

Loki sniffs haughtily. "I have not lost all of my magic mortal, just the very impressive bits."

"And what exactly does that entail, Loki?"

"Well I can't blow them all up if that's what you're asking." Loki crosses his arms over his chest. "Besides, it's not like I need magic to fight."

"It's true!" Thor says excitedly. "Loki is a very talented wielder of knives, daggers and all things pointy."

"Eloquent as ever Thor."

"Thank you."

Steve sighs. "I guess we'll just figure this out as we go. To the kitchen boys? It's probably the best place for us to set up seeing as it's got the most...pointy things."

"Indeed, let us go quickly before they send reinforcements."

"Kitchen ho!"

* * *

"Well that got hairy." Steve says, leaning against a counter and prying the dented remains of a pot lid from his hand. He pauses for a moment to push the bowl of an affronted Siamese fighting fish closer to the middle of the counter. "Sorry about that little guy."

"I can't believe the creature survived that entire assault." Loki says, glancing over at it.

"I do not know what you mean by hairy." Thor says, tugging an apple from a fallen assailant's mouth and biting the other side. "There was no more hair in this battle than in any of our others."

"I believe it's a Midgardian expression Thor." Loki responds dryly, wiping a bloody knife clean with a dishrag and adding it to the motley collection on his belt. "It implies that events have unfolded in an awkward and ungainly manner. Why are all of the knives on Midgard so horribly dull?"

"Oh." Thor says, scratching his head. "Well then I suppose you could call our situation 'hairy'. I did feel quite preposterous when I was forced to defeat an enemy by putting a pot over his head and hitting it."

"Yeah." Steve chuckles. "That was pretty funny Thor."

"I do suppose one could find such an uncoordinated attack humorous."

"Glad to hear it Thor."

There's a commotion outside and Steve grabs another less banged up lid and a frying pan. "Get ready for the next wave."

Screams echo in from the half-hinged door and Steve wrinkles his nose at the acrid smell of smoke. "What the? Are they trying to smoke us out?"

Tony Stark kicks open the door to the kitchen, holding his arms wide. "And that's how you really get it done the American way Thomas Edison."

Steve frowns, glancing past Tony to the still smoking remains in the hallway. "What on earth did you do?"

Tony's grin widens and he sidles further in. He's got a headband made out of a washcloth and is wearing one of the metallic lower plates that Steve has seen on several of their attackers. There's about three utility belts strapped around him, each laden with an assortment of bottles, liquid filled light bulbs, and odd contraptions that look a bit like pipe bombs. From his neck dangles a gas mask and a pair of very old looking goggles. "It's something close to a molotov except with more of a fast acting tear gas thing going on instead of smoke. I think I'll call it a Romanov Cocktail."

"Ah Tony, I'm flattered, really." Natasha says, slipping out from one of the vents and landing easily next to Loki. "Where's Banner, I thought he was with you?"

"Is she still naked? She's still naked!" Tony says, grinning as he leers at her. "I got to go all crazy rambo with Bruce, who is heading back up by the way, he's just looking for some pants, and now I get naked sexy russian spy."

"Naked sexy russian spy who can kill you 32 different ways with her bare hands." Natasha corrects. "And don't you have a wife, or did you forget?"

"That doesn't mean that I don't have _eyes_ Tash'."

"Whatever Stark." She looks over at Steve, eyebrow rising at the fish next to him. "Is that a fish?"

"Yeah."

"Lucky fish."

Suddenly, two men lung in from the hallway, their eyes are red and their noses runny and they look like they're out for blood. One of them makes a move towards Tony who is already grabbing for one of the little light bulbs.

And then Barton is behind them, his bow is broken and he's wielding the two pieces of wood like hooks, grabbing one many by the neck and flipping with ease while he catches the other one in the arm. The guy is already fumbling with a knife but stops, wheezing as Tony's lightbulb explodes in his face, showering red powder down his front. Barton watches him fall and then brushes some stray crimson dust from his shoulder.

"Cayenne?" He asks.

"You betcha' I'm like some sort of weaponized Iron Chef."

"Always you and the iron Stark." Clint says, dropping the two pieces of his now useless bow. "And by the way, don't go eyeballing my wife or you won't have any more eyes to ball with, you got me?"

"I don't know how you managed to make that sound threatening but you did." Tony says. "wait...WIFE?"

"Budpast."

"That's it! I'm hacking SHIELD's database again, now I _need_ to know what happened."

Clint lets out a short bark of laughter. "Good luck. They know about as much as you do of what went down."

"Even Fury doesn't know we're together."

Tony gapes. "Really? What the hell? Why do you guys get the private life while he decided to document my life all the way back to my grandfather's conception."

"Great grandfather's conception." Natasha corrects. "And it's because we're covert operatives while you're a chauvenist with a tower in New York with your name on it."

"Not anymore!" Tony protests. "The tower's got 'Avengers' on it now."

"Don't think we don't see the little 'Led by Tony Stark' you put in underneath it."

"B-"

"We've _all_ seen it Tony. Remember, even your small is big." Bruce says, walking in through the backdoor. He looks tired and there's blood in his hair. The pair of pants he is wearing is ripped at the seams and looks incredibly uncomfortable. He turns to Steve. "There's more coming up the front. I would have taken them out while I was down there but you know how the Other Guy is with catching runners and I thought you'd rather have me with you up here then smashing in the last couple of faces in down there."

"Good choice Doctor, once they've amassed at the front you can head out and start taking them down. We'll handle the ones that get inside."

Bruce nods, his neck cracking when he does. "Gosh." He exclaims softly, about the most angry Bruce gets unless he's about to go Hulk. "I really could have used this R&R time. What a shame."

Tony pats him on the back. "Don't worry man, once this is over I'll make it up to you." He holds out his pinky with mock reverence. "I promise."

Bruce sighs. "Tony we're not kids...anymore, but fine, I'll take you up on that after this is done."

There's yells and gunfire from outside. Somewhere in the distance a man shouts something in Japanese while metal clangs against metal.

"That my cue I guess."

Bruce charges out, already changing, taking the front doors of the kitchen with him. Tony salutes as he leaves. "You go green guy!"

"Tony," Steve scolds, "get into position would you? Or are you a big fan of the killbox?"

Tony just waves him off as he slides over the counter to crouch next to Barton who is looking around the kitchen and scowling. "What are you looking for Mr. Romanov?" He asks cheerily.

"Something to use," Clint says, tugging out a slingshot from the now empty quiver, "with this."

Tony laughs. "You're kidding right? Where'd you even get that?"

"Stumbled across the lost and found on my kill spree, and for your information Stark, slingshots are very useful when you have the right ammo, which I am trying to..." His eyes land on the miraculously intact bowl of a terrified looking betta fish, the bowl's bottom is covered with oddly shaped, angular pieces of hard plastic. "...find."

"Oh now that's just cruel." Tony says, watching Clint grab the bowl. "It survived all of this just so you can dump it out and steal its stuff."

"I'm not gonna kill it asshole." Clint bites back, sticking a hand into the bowl and grabbing a fistful of plastic pebbles. "Sorry Mr. Fishy."

"_Mr. Fishy_?"

"What Stark? I was a kid. I had pets."

"I thought you had a hawk or something!"

"What the fuck kind of kids just owns a hawk Stark?"A man comes running in and Clint reacts on instinct, dropping the bowl and bring him down with a plastic bit to the eye. "Damn it!" Clint hisses, looking at the broken remains.

"I'm sorry about your fish Clint but we kind of need to focus right now." Natasha says, her hands a flurry of movement as knives sail across the room towards the open door. Three men are caught in the shoulders and the other two fall holding their thoroughly wounded legs. "I'm running out of knives here!"

"Take mine." Loki says after a second of deliberation, tossing over the belt. "You Midgardians have no concept of craftsmanship anyway."

"Half of these are butterknives Loki."

"I made do. So can you."

"And what are you gonna do then, oh Pretentious One?" Clint asks, firing three plastic pellets in quick succession before ducking back beneath the counter. "I thought you were all out of magic."

"I am now." Loki says carefully. "But I plan on using another of my...unique talents."

"You're going to talk them to death?"

"No." Loki hisses, holding up his hands. Slowly the skin of his arms tints blue from elbows to fingertips. When he lowers them, long protrusions of diamond-hard ice have encased his fists. "I'm planning on improvising."

"Brother." Thor breaths, staring at Loki's azure arms. "Your powers amaze me."

"Shut up Thor, I don't need you to try and complement me to make me feel better." Loki snaps, on edge. Thor's face falls and Loki sighs, looking guilty. "Now come on you big oaf, grab something to fight with and hurry up, or do you intend to stick around here in the back with the puny mortals."

"Right here guys." Tony says, waving.

"But you are the most puny among us, Son of Stark." Thor says, laughing. "Save for Natasha Romanov and she has proven to be most mighty of warrirors."

"And I'm not?"

"Yes." Everyone says and Tony sniffs.

"You're all just jealous of the billionare status."

"In case you've forgotten Stark, Thor and I are princes of Asgard." Loki says cooly. "Now Thor are you coming or not I hear more of them outside."

"I am right behind you my Brother." Thor says eagerly, grabbing a rolling pin and a tenderizing mallet. He swings them both like silly versions of Mjolner and smiles. "You lead the way."

Loki grins despite himself. "Alright, be sure not to slow me down then...Brother."

Thor's smile grows impossibly brighter. "I would not dare dream of it."

"If you two ladies are done hugging and crying I think there's some uncracked heads out there with your names on them."

They both scowl at Tony but nevertheless they exit, the screams of fallen enemies following close behind.

"Now that's more like it."

"Well I don't know about the rest of you." Natasha says, strapping the second knife belt around her waist. "But this kitchen is getting a little cramped for my tastes."

"Terrible field of vision." Clint agrees.

"Well fine then you guys. Let's take the fighting outside behind the two gods and the giant green tank." Tony motions towards the door. "Right after you, Babe."

A butterknife sails across the room and hits Tony square in the back. "OUCH!"

"Tony, don't call me 'babe'."

Clint laughs. "Nice one, Sweetheart."

"Only the best for you , Honey."

Tony just scowls, an huffs. "I hate you two."

"Feelings mutual."

Steve sighs and readies his frying pan and pot lid. "If you guys are done arguing, can we move out?"

Tony smiles and salutes. "I'll always follow the Captain."

"Good." Steve looks them over, two assassin's and a mad scientist. His team. "Let's go."

* * *

**Where the true crack begins.**

* * *

"Clint, you are man full of surprises."

"Shut up Stark, I just like betta fish alright."

"Whatever, can we just get this over with and get back to the hotsprings? There are like five of them and the guys only shot up one. We can get about half an hour in before the men from SHIELD show up."

"Wow Bruce, a little forceful there."

"I just fought the equivalent of two wars in a row, Tony, I think I deserve a little R & R before Fury comes in here with all of his...fury."

"Jeez man, can't even come up with a good description of one of Fury's blazing strides of rage, you _do_ need some time off. Next chance I get I'm putting you on a flight to Fiji."

"Guys, a little respect for the dead."

"They're sorry." Steve says forcefully before Tony can make another stupid response. Bruce hums in agreement, looking apologetic.

They all fall silent and look towards the toilet bowl. Inside, the betta fish floats, looking sad and droopy.

"Well." Clint says, never a man for many words. "Goodbye."

"Yes." Thor says, stepping forward. "May you find your way to Valhalla brave creature." And with that he pours about half a bottle of vodka into the toilet.

"Thor!" Natasha reprimands, grabbing the bottle from him. "Don't waste good vodka."

Clint glares at Natasha. "Cat person."

"It is not a waste if it honors a fallen comrade Natasha Romanov." With that, Thor lights a match, dropping it into the toilet bowl.

"HOLY CRAP!"

"THOR!"

The god of thunder blinks, bemused. "I simply mean to send him off with a warrior's funeral." He frowns. "Surely you did not actually mean to simply send him the same way as your bodily waists."

Clint looks somberly into the toilet bowl and then gasps, his eyes widening. "Holy crap it's moving!"

"It's still alive?"

"Fish flambe?"

"Shut up Tony! What do we do?"

"Somebody grab it!"

"Tony!"

"What! Why me! I'm not the fish lover here-"

"TONY!"

* * *

Tony glares at the betta fish, now housed in a tumbler full of vodka-less water. His hands still hurt despite the salve that Natasha slathered all over them.

Scowing, he raises his whiskey to his lips.

"Lucky fucking fish."

* * *

I do love it when the Avengers have to improvise their way to victory.

Inspired in part by the fourth chapter of

Bruce proved to be the hardest dude to write for this time, gosh I wish he'd talked more in the Avengers so I could imagine what he sounds like better.

Well, whatever.

Also, if anybody spots iffy comma usage please tell me. I tend to use those things willy nilly.

-Schyzotypal X


End file.
